FEMALE ANNouNCE. Lights, camera, access.
o'DELL. y es, it's true. The master of midday TV goes prime time.
Talk show host Dr. J Stevens has popped the question to Bianca Kittles,
recent winner of survvor: krbat.
What's good, family?
The Doctor's show, with his irreverent guests...
i've been bangng your sster.
(sCREAmiNG)
...party-like atmosphere and his ''Team of Me'' philosophy...
The team of who?
ALL: me
Reiy on yourseif.
...has gotten a significant ratings boost
since news of his impending nuptials became public.
This is, no doubt, welcome news to the ultra-competitive, glammed-out Bianca.
The TV reality star used every asset she possessed
to outwit, outplay and outlast the competition
on her quest for the million bucks.
It's a Q-rating bonanza,
as these two couldn't be more perfectly matched.
Life is good for the good doctor.
wow. ANNouNCE. (WHISpEING) on access.
That was fabuious
honey, i'm so proud of you. Thank you.
You're such a star. isn't he a star?
(ALL ChEERiNG)
he s a superstar.
Now, that s how you announce your engagement
That was genus.
You're the taik of the town womAN: hey, RJ.
Couid you magne ths fve years ago, bro?
wth a gri ike that? heii, no.
ht show, bg manson on the biock. Now i'm nternatonai.
You iook great, by the way.
sht, man, that's aii ths tofu Banca got me eatng.
Besdes the hunger pans, beng a vegan s the sht.
(LAUGhiNG)
Cheers. honey Teiephone.
Get gong.
BiANCA: That sounds wonderfui. i can't wat.
Great.
weii, t's nce speakng to you. okay, hoid on.
it's your mom. hurry up. Taik. we stii have guests.
h womAN: h there
You made t. oh, my God. You iook amazng
hey, mama.
weii, heiio, stranger.
we're just begnnng to thnk you just forgot aii about us.
No, mama. i can't forget my number one gri.
(CHuCKLES) And I didn't forget your anniversary, either.
i sent y'aii a 50'' piasma TV.
one nch for every year.
That's sweet, baby. But we'd much rather meet Bianca.
she sounds so nce.
(LAuGHS) Bianca, Mama. Not Blanca.
oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was Blanca.
Well, baby, you know it's our 50th anniversary.
mama, i don't thnk we're gonna be abie to make t.
Jamaai, you know, he's got ths bg soccer game.
The boy loves himself some soccer, Mama.
I know. He talks to papa all the time.
Jamaai and Daddy have been taikng?
And wrtng ietters.
Lord... y ou know, we haven't seen that child since he was a baby.
y ou've just got to come. Everybody's coming.
We got Ellie and Cleavon,
Ciyde and Lucnda and...
Lucnda? oh, yes.
Lucnda and Ciyde?
Mmm-hmm.
They're comng together? I forgot to tell you.
But i... i thought...
pApA. That's a lot of questions, boy.
hey, Daddy.
Especaiiy from someone who has shown very ittie nterest n hs famiy.
Yes, sr, but i...
if you can fnd the tme to expiore ''The mnd of A strpper''
or ''ssters Gone wid'' wth your so-caiied ''famiy,''
then you can fnd the tme to spend wth your actuai famiy.
so you've been watchng
Boy, don't dsappont your mother.
(siGhs)
(REFEREE BLowiNG whisTLE)
RJ: Go, Jamaai
There you go, there you go
Boy, that kd's good.
Rght. move. push t
Come on, get t, get t, get t, get t Rght there
Let t go, Jamaai
That's a wnner, Jamaai
(whoopiNG)
(LAUGhs)
(whisTLE BLowiNG)
mARTY: hey, RJ, i'ii see you iater, man. okay, take care. You teii Jamaai i sad bye.
Jamaai, way to go. way to go. That's how you do that.
Good gong, guys Yeah
(whoopiNG)
That's my boy. That's my boy.
That's a iot of runnng for one goai. But, hey, at ieast you ht t.
Dad, you shouid come more often.
hey, i'm here.
Dad, why don't you want to go to Dry sprngs?
(siGhs) Come on. Not you, too.
papa Jenkns says Dry sprngs s awesome.
he sad aii my cousns'ii be there and i'd have a iot of fun.
oh, reaiiy? what eise do y'aii taik about?
i don't know. schooi, my frends, soccer, giobai warmng.
Giobai warmng?
we taik about a iot of stuff. he's reaiiy cooi.
Can't we piease go?
i'ii thnk about t, Jamaai.
oh. Taik t over wth the boss, frst.
Boss?
(sCoFFs)
son, men run thngs n a reiatonshp.
And between us men, never iet a woman teii you what to do, and how to do t.
Your dad's n compiete controi.
(RJ sCREAmiNG)
BiANCA: who's n controi?
Teii me. who's n controi?
i don't know
Take me hgher, you can do t
(GAspiNG) oh, no.
Come on. Take me. harder
Come on, iover (whiNiNG) mama
(IN A DEEp VoICE) y es! oh, sht
push it!
what the heii are you... y es!
(GRoANiNG)
(mUmBLiNG NoNsENsiCALLY)
BiANCA: oh.
speakng n tongues. That's a frst.
(BiANCA siGhs)
i'm so proud of you.
(BiANCA EXhALEs)
i want to iook hot for your famiy.
so now... Tme for my seven mies.
(TREADmiLL whiRRiNG)
Can you unte me frst?
Babe?
Babe Babe...
it's aii done. i booked the tckets.
honey? i'm hearng a tnge of doubt n your voce.
i'm cooi. You know, t's... it'ii be four days, then we get back to our ives.
Exactiy.
Ths wii soidfy our unon to the worid.
we'ii tape your parents' banquet, you make a heartfeit speech, and the ratngs?
(ChUCkLEs) oh, my God
(BiANCA siGhs)
Yeah.
''Country boy done good returns home wth hs Survivor queen.''
(LAUGhs) hey, my... my audence'ii dg that.
see? That's why i iove you.
Baby, i've dated aii knds of men.
Athietes, CEos, prnces, bad boys, attorneys, mob bosses...
(mUFFLED) No, no, i get t. i get that.
But i've never connected wth any of them the way that i do wth you.
RJ stevens.
mmm.
Team of Me.
(ChUCkLiNG)
Your very words heiped me wn Survivor, and they brought me rght to you.
They dd, ddn't they? Uh-huh.
(ChUCkLiNG)
see? we connect.
Yes.
we're wnners.
And you? You're the man.
i am the man.
say t iouder.
i'm the man.
say t iouder.
i'm the man Yeah
(HIp-Hop MuSIC pLAyING)
BiANCA: honey, don't run your outft.
(sCoFFs) Baby, men don't wear outfts.
(GRUNTiNG)
what do you have n these bags, anyway?
You went 39 days on a desert siand wth... wth a toothpck and a thong.
i need optons.
RJ: Damn the optons. i need room.
i'd be happy to check that for you.
heii, no
i had some bad experences.
i'ii just sip t n the captan's cioset.
it's the safest piace t couid be.
(EXCLAims)
Let's get ths party started.
Uh-uh-uh.
i got you beet juce.
Come on, baby, i want to ive a ittie.
precseiy.
it's an exceiient source of antoxdants.
Your drnk, sr. Drnk up.
FLiGhT ATTENDANT: Enjoy.
(pLANE ENGiNE hUmmiNG)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT oN pA. once we have reached a comfortable...
hey, Dad?
Yeah, son?
Ths s gonna be great. Thanks.
Anythng for you, my man.
(EXCLAims)
(DoG whimpERiNG)
And now we ask you to please relax, sit back and enjoy the flight.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Georgia.
how does hs bag get iost n a captan's cioset?
Expian that to me. Yes, ma'am.
where's your father?
he won't come out of the bathroom.
WoMAN oN pA. The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading only.
honey, how do the pants ft?
Flight 514 from Atlanta, your luggage will be at Carousel 2.
(JAmAAL LAUGhiNG)
You mean to teii me
ths s the oniy par of pants you couid fnd n ths country-ass arport?
i ike t. Coiors iook fabuious on you.
Babe, i iook ike a ciown.
Look... Look at how tght these are. Look
i see that, tger.
Come. Let's get the car.
(LAUGhiNG)
Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety and protection,
please do not leave your bags unattended.
JAmAAL: wow, the whoie weekend s pianned.
There's a barbecue today, a softbaii game tomorrow,
a fsh fry on saturday.
oh, iook An obstacie course race
And the annversary banquet's sunday nght.
Cooi
(JAmAAL CoUGhiNG)
(whoopiNG)
Nce ears, Dad.
(LAUGhiNG)
oh, man. Nce pcture, Dad.
oh, man.
(hoRN hoNkiNG)
mAN: hey, now
how terrbiy quant. As f tme stood stii.
it has. i toid you, don't nothng ever happen around here.
what the heii?
(HIp-Hop MuSIC pLAyING oN ADIo)
That sht was tght, rght?
(whoopiNG)
oh, damn
oh, my God, baby, you get me so freakng hot
Do you know them?
i don't know her, but that's my cousn Regge.
You got your jeweiry? You got your purse?
Aii rght? 'Cause the boy couid con Jesus.
oh, no. oh, no, that's hm.
oh, that's hm who?
here he comes, here he comes.
my ngga Roscoe steven Jenkns hoiiywood dd came to town
(ChUCkLEs) what's up? what's up, dawg?
what up, cuz? what up, cuz?
how you dong? how you do...
(LAUGhiNG) Come on, man, gve t up
man, what's happenng? Aii rght.
oh, man, iook at what you...
Look, you got them pcnc tabiecioth pants on.
''hey, Boo-Boo, iet me get another pcnc basket.''
(LAUGhiNG) i guess outkast's about to name ther thrd member. L'i Roscoe 1000.
Yeah, but don't be mad 'cause you an't up on the styie.
An't that rght, baby? Roscoe?
why do you caii hm Roscoe?
That's hs government name.
(NERVoUs LAUGh)
oh, not nto fuii dsciosure. i see.
okay. weicome to the famiy.
(LAUGhs) Thank you.
Looke here, iooke here.
Frst t was Survivor, now t's America's Next Top Model.
oh, stop t. Reaiiy?
oh, heii, yeah, reaiiy
my God, i'ii drnk your dshwater, bathwater, aii types of waters.
i'ii drnk aii your waters.
Boy, you do your thng. Get... Get off me.
Look at you dong your thng, boy hey, wii you stop that?
Thng, boy You do your thng. Get off me
(LAUGhs) Do your thng, boy. You do your thng. hey, get off.
hey, why'd you keep checkng my pockets, Regge?
oh, you do your thng. man, you need to get me out there to LA.
wouid you iooke here? Look.
h h
i'm Amy.
Yeah, me and Amy are frends, man. You know what i'm sayng?
she's been a reai nspraton to me, puttng my new hp-hop aibum out.
You know what i'm sayng?
And my dad's company s fnancng t.
it's pmp Nasty Records word
pmp Nasty? AmY: (LAUGhs) Lke that.
so everythng s... hey, boy, what the... what you dong?
Get back Get back
water rat That's a water rat, rght there.
(GRowLiNG) Get back. Get back.
Reg, come on.
it's okay, Ff.
RJ: Regge, man. she's a dog, man.
it's Fona.
y o quiero Taco Beii. i an't know what t was, man.
i thought t was a ittie fur coat wth some feet, or somethng,
that damn waiked over here, boy.
(BoTh LAUGhiNG)
man, mama J sent us down here to get some ce.
And?
we're probabiy gonna need about 300.
$300? Yeah.
For some ce? For some ce.
You must thnk i'm a damn fooi.
No, i know you an't no damn fooi.
You standng there wth that beautfui iady, rght there.
Look ike you a iucky fooi.
(GiGGLEs)
what? it's just $300, baby. Go on.
You're not cheap, baby. Yes, he s.
You don't know hm ike we... he's tght. Yeah, he s.
it's oniy $300, baby.
That's t, $300. For your famiy?
piease?
Go on, baby.
For the famiy.
Aii rght, good to see you.
papa? huh?
They made t
Toid you. weii, come on.
Come on, baby.
(mAmA LAUGhiNG EXCiTEDLY)
oh, my baby's home
hey, mama. how you dong?
weii, weii. Look who showed up.
my grandson's father, Dr. RJ stevens.
it's been a iong tme, Dr. stevens.
Dad, that's just a stage name.
Yeah, i know.
Jamaai, weicome back.
Thanks, papa Jenkns.
oh, and ths s Bianca pretty gri, Roscoe.
You must got some indan n you, aii that iong, pretty har.
Roscoe, you been eatng? You aii skn and bone
Don't iook ike i never nourshed you.
(LAUGhs) i know Doesn't he iook fabuious?
oTis: Yeah, he iooks fabuious, aii rght.
Downrght metrosexuai, wth them young-ass pants on.
oh, no. You shouid have seen hs ensembie before hs ittie accdent.
it was exquste.
(LAUGhs) Are you kddng? Better than ths?
what? i ddn't say ''outft.''
Got you pounced on you.
Get... Get off. Get off me
Let me see how strong you are.
ots Yeah.
(GRUNTiNG) Get off me. Come on.
(LAUGhiNG) Just ike oid tmes agan.
Lord, ots. Do t, do t Get out of t, then.
mama mama. ots ots
Come on, boy, iet's see what you got.
Let go of me, o.
Yeah, go ahead, do t. i want you to. Boy, ntroduce me. That's rude.
Banca, ths s my country, neckbone-eatng brother, ots.
The sherff.
southern hosptaity at your servce.
Get up off that
(ChUCkLiNG)
Ths here s Ruthe. h.
And that's my baby she's carryng.
wow, Ruthe, you iook ike you're about to pop.
No, i'm just sx months.
But i bet y'aii be ioadng up soon, huh?
(LAUGhiNG) oh, God, no Nothng's wreckng ths fgure.
hmm.
(NERVoUs LAUGh) At ieast not rght now. Jamaai, say heiio.
Are you reaiiy the sherff?
mmm-hmm.
''To serve and protect.'' And occasonaiiy whoop ass.
meet your cousns. Junor Caiie
(LAUGhs) oh, damn what are they on?
Aii sterods and no carbs?
(LAUGhs) Them some thck-ass kds
No, i'm serous. mama, them s thck-ass. No, i'm serous.
Lke, they be 1 2. Them some thck-ass...
Respect...
Ths here's your cousn Jamaai.
Get hm a bat, and get hm some battng practce.
And, Caiie, go easy on hm.
(spiTTiNG)
You got t, Daddy.
Come on, son. You and Granddad'ii take them on together.
You piay basebaii, don't you?
Aii rght, i guess.
weii, Bianca, you want to come n the house and freshen up?
And, Roscoe, you get the bags and just take them up to your room.
okay.
And, baby,
piease fnd some ciothes that ft. You got aii your busness n the street.
(GRUNTs DisAGREEABLY)
oh, God. it's good to see you, man.
Lttie heip wth the bags, o?
man, i an't no beiihop. pius, i an't had my sterods today.
(LAUGhs) Got you
southern hosptaity Yeah, rght.
(sCoFFs)
And next tme you grabbng on peopie,
wear some deodorant, you ittie fake-ass Conan
oh, sht mama mama
oTis: Come here, boy i'm an aii-state inebacker Look at that speed
RJ: mama i sad ieave me aione, o Leave me aione
(pEopLE ChATTERiNG)
(mAmA LAUGhiNG)
mAmA: i haven't had so many peopie n the ktchen snce i don't know when.
No, you use ths one.
(EXCLAims)
You a bad btch
oh oh
wat a mnute, gri. i'm serous. i'm serous. You bad
You are the baddest btch Survivor ever had.
soon to be my sster-n-iaw, up n my ktchen, gri.
i'm honored
Thank you.
Aii rght, now, now, now, teii me the truth, okay?
Teii me the truth, 'cause t's you and me. we reiatng.
Can that hook-head handie you? 'Cause, see, we a iot aike, Bnaca.
(LAUGhiNG) 'Cause we too much woman for one man You feei me?
Betty, iet the chid breathe.
Now, s the tea ready?
it's rght here, mama.
Bnaca, you got to try my tea, gri.
i'm teiing you rght now, ths tea rght here an't no joke, Baioio.
Best n the county.
it's Banca. That's what i sad.
And i'd iove to. Cheers
(shRiEkiNG)
God, that's iqud dabetes You drnk that?
(BiANCA EXCLAims iN DisGUsT)
No, no. No, no, wat a mnute now, baby.
Don't get aii uppty, okay?
'Cause i'm gonna iet you know the brothers down at the pen,
they rave about my sweet tea every sunday at my Bbie readng.
it an't the sweet tea. it's them short skrts you be wearng.
i'm just dong my part, tryng to be a good Chrstan.
And f them brothers need to get a peek at ths thong
to get them through them iong ioneiy nghts,
then, Father God and aii the heavens up above and the Epscopais, so be t
Gri, don't make me sck. You know i'm pregnant.
Thank you. Betty, your thong s an mage i do not need.
(ChUCkLEs) Dtto.
(moCkiNG LAUGh)
BETTY: wat a mnute.
Now, see, we tryng to bond wth you and everythng, weicome you n,
but you gettng t twsted. You gettng me twsted.
But don't get t twsted.
Ths ktchen here s my doman. my doman. Ths an't no kennei.
And then ths iab rat got to go. Got to go. Do you hear me? Am i ciear? i btes dogs.
(DoG whiNiNG)
know who i am, okay?
Now dtto that
AILINE EMpLo yEE. y es, sir. Can I help you? y es, sir. Yeah, heiio.
Yeah. what s your name? patricia.
Luqueesha? I can barely hear you.
Look here, Luqueesha, somebody...
Sir, could you please hold?
Yeah, i'ii hoid.
(DoG whiNiNG)
(DoG pANTiNG)
Bucky?
You done messed around and got oid, huh, Bucky?
You stii aive?
Yeah, you used to terrorze me when i was ittie.
i don't piay that now, man. i'm a grown man. Look at me when i'm taikng to you.
i shouid kck you n your ass rght now, Bucky.
Yeah. Yeah, when you bt my ankie, i shouid...
Hello, Dr. Stevens?
Yeah, excuse me.
We found your bag.
weii, aii rght. weii, that's more ike t.
We just need an address.
(GRoANiNG)
Get off me, you crazy dog
what the heii?
You gonna stay nsde aii day, Dr. stevens?
No, sr.
Daddy, you don't have to caii me that.
i just don't want to offend the star.
offend me?
hey, hey, Daddy, how come you never opened ths piasma?
i don't need a sknny TV.
That consoie's been there snce 1977. Good pcture.
Daddy, ths s a h-Def fiat screen
Footbaii on sundays, them hts'ii be ike, ''Boom''
make you feei ike you reaiiy there.
i am reaiiy gonna be there.
Your cousn Ciyde gave me season tckets.
see that pcture? That's hs thrd deaiershp.
man, that Ciyde s somethng specai.
Yeah, Ciyde's specai.
i gotta get outsde. i'm groomng the next Jacke Robnson. my grandson.
(hUmmiNG)
Reg. huh?
That don't iook ike $300 worth of ce.
it's hot down here, man. haif of t meited before you even got down.
i'm teiing you, the bag was...
it's hot down... Ask anybody about the heat, 'scoe.
i an't gonna ie about none of that, man.
whatever.
hey, o. Yo.
how oid s crazy-ass Bucky? shouidn't he be dead by now?
Bucky's at ieast 25 now.
Yeah. Yeah, that dog s oid, boy.
Are you serous?
That's 1 75 peopie years
And he's stii a ittie piayer, i'm teiing you.
You better watch ittie Fona around here.
he gonna ht her n the one that stnk and not the one that wnk.
he good at scoopng up behnd you.
(whiNiNG)
so, dd i hear Ciyde was comng wth Lucnda?
mmm-hmm.
shouid be here any mnute now.
(LAUGhs)
i thought she was engaged.
Uh-uh.
That ended a whie ago, baby bro.
Yeah, that... man, no, she moved to Atianta, man,
and that smooth ngga Ciyde supposed to be hoiierng at her agan.
what you mean, ''agan''? he an't never been wth her. Never
Looke here. Lttie hoiiywood man.
''he's never been wth her. Never''
''Never''
(LAUGhiNG) what, you iook ike you tryng to throw your hat n the rng.
No, i'm just settng the record straght, bubbiehead.
set the record straght on ths. Now.
(whoopiNG) Good God Aimghty, i smeii them funky rbs
Yeah, baby, they're good, too. here, baby bro.
Now, i need your dscrmnate tongue to iet me know f i'm stii on track.
You know how i gets down.
Gve hm some bread and a peps, rght now
No, no, i'm cooi. i'm gonna wat on the chcken.
skniess.
why? You musim now? Yeah, what the heii?
You a Fve percenter?
Nah.
i just adopted a iow-fat, hgh-fber det. Banca and i...
(EXCLAims iN DisGUsT)
''Banca and i...'' i know what t s.
The biack pars hiton done sssfed you off the pg.
That's what's up. it an't ike that, o.
Buiisht You on that hoiiywood sht. Ngga, piease.
Gve me... Let me see ths. You see ths swne s fne, dvne, subime
and rght on tme. Rght on tme
(BoTh LAUGhiNG)
man Look at that.
want some of ths dppng sauce, baby?
Yeah, go on. Get... Go on, taste a ittie pece of that.
Don't be scared. You got on the kwanzaa outft now.
Go on, get down, ike you ive. Go ahead and taste a pece of that.
Bte that. Go on, man.
how about a pece, Neison mandeia?
stop beng so scary, man.
Farrakhan an't nowhere around here.
man what's up, man?
Come on The Last King from Scotland. Look.
wth the Forest whtaker eye.
(LAUGhiNG)
wat, iook. put a ittie barbecue sauce on the dead eye.
mght jump up out of there.
(LAUGhiNG)
oTis: (LAUGhiNG) Boy, you crazy.
(REGGiE AND oTis ChATTERiNG)
Yes, ndeed, that's gonna be good str that up for me, Biante.
Now, n epsode 1 1, dd you have to puii your tttes out?
i had to have that chocoiate cake.
But you threw t up. on purpose.
whether on Survivor or n ife, i beieve n wnnng at aii costs.
That's why RJ and i are perfectiy matched.
(LAUGhiNG)
Gri, you trppng.
You better mnd out, Betty.
Come on now, mama.
Roscoe and wnnng don't even go n the same sentence.
oniy Ciyde gets that dstncton.
who's Ciyde?
oh.
i'm giad you asked.
Ciyde s our cousn. he came to ive wth us once hs foiks went on to giory.
They became famous and ieft ther chid behnd?
Btch, are you crazy?
They was n a car accdent. They dead. Goddamn
Anyway, now Roscoe and Ciyde was ferce rvais, though ''rvai''
s not qute accurate, 'cause Ciyde used to whoop Roscoe's tai n everythng.
i don't know about ''everythng,'' now, Betty.
Everythng, mama
Basketball.
YoUNG CLYDE: Game
Checkers.
kng me.
Chess.
CLYDE: Checkmate.
Arm wrestling.
(kiDs LAUGhiNG)
(LAUGhiNG)
oops.
That was me.
You're teiing me RJ never won?
Never.
That s, of course, unti the obstacie course n 1985.
obstacie course?
BETTy. y ep. It's a Jenkins family tradition.
pApA: have fun, now
mAmA: Yeah
Ciyde, Roscoe, we got our eyes on you
BETTy. Clyde and oscoe made a bet
that the winner would get to ask Lucinda Allen to the Spring Formal.
And who s Lucnda Aiien?
BETTy. only the most popular Southern belle to ever come out of these parts.
The Spring Formal Queen that year.
BIANCA. So what happened?
Gri, your man took off ike a house on fre
(ALL CLAppiNG)
Come on
he moved through that obstacie course faster than a runaway siave.
Dong t
Now, see, Clyde was right there with his skinny ass, baby, neck and neck.
He was trying to hold on until the end.
But old oscoe... Come on
old oscoe broke that tape, baby.
He smiled so hard, I thought his cheeks would burst.
Yes
(ALL ChEERiNG)
(whoopiNG)
Yes i won
BETTy. I ain't never seen Mama and Daddy so proud as that day.
Aw.
BETTY: Now aii Roscoe had to do was ciam the reai prze.
Lucnda? hey.
wii you go to the sprng Formai wth me?
oh, Roscoe, how sweet, but Ciyde just asked me.
Come on, Lucnda, iet's get a strawberry soda.
my treat. LUCiNDA: okay.
Bye, Roscoe. Great race.
Bye.
BETTy. I felt bad for the boy.
(LAUGhiNG)
Now, nobody knew about the bet, so Ciyde just beat hm to the punch.
(SAVING ALL My Lo VE Fo you pLAYiNG)
Clyde and Lucinda danced all night long, looking like eternal lovers.
And oscoe looked like a hot mess.
And his date wasn't much better.
Lord Jesus!
But n typcai Roscoe fashon, he sntched.
But that mess backfred.
Lucnda s a young iady, not some trophy you can wn
i'm very dsapponted n you.
But what about Ciyde?
Ciyde wii be deait wth.
Now drop your brtches and bend over.
(GULps)
Ype
BETTy. But that Clyde... Girl, he is a smooth operator.
Aii rght, what have you got to say for yourseif?
i iet Roscoe wn.
it meant more to hm to beat me,
and t meant more to me to go out wth Lucnda.
she's so beautfui.
i know you're dsapponted,
and f my parents were aive, they'd be dsapponted, too.
But you're the oniy parent i got, papa Jenkns.
so you do what you thnk s rght. i'ii understand.
Don't you ever iet somethng ike ths ever happen agan.
what?
You understand?
Yes, sr.
BETTy. He went upstairs and cried like a baby.
Now, how you know Roscoe was cryng?
(CRYiNG)
BETTy. Because all his hollering woke me up from a sound sleep.
(LAUGhiNG)
so, are they stii an tem?
They dated awhie, but you know, the Queen s too pure for the ikes of Ciyde.
he needs a reai woman.
Betty, y'aii are cousns.
whatever
Now, the pont s, Roscoe an't been the same snce Ciyde stoie mss Lucnda.
i thnk they caii that ''evoiuton.''
(GiGGLEs)
RJ's cieariy over any chidhood crush.
BETTY: Reaiiy? Reaiiy.
weii, where do you thnk that ''Team of me'' mess started?
(moCkiNG LAUGh)
Aii rght, Betty, that s enough.
okay, mama, but i'm just sayng...
Come on n ths house before i pop you.
BETTY: Now, somebody heip that whte gri.
she gettng eggsheiis n the tater saiad. heip her.
mAmA: Aiways runnng your mouth You taik too much.
BETTY: Don't nobody want no crunchy-ass potato saiad.
And you put vnegar on these? Yeah.
You gotta market these, o.
(EXCLAims)
RJ huh?
what the heii are you eatng?
i'm not eatng, baby, i'm tastng. These soy rbs.
You want some?
(GRoANs) Forget t, carnvore
why don't you teii me about Lucnda Aiien?
oh. oh, sht.
RJ: Lucnda Aiien? That was a bad one, rght there.
weii, see, i... Baby, she's just, you know...
oh, my God oh, my God hey, Ciyde's here now
(BEFoE I LET Go pLAYiNG)
Let me ntroduce you.
CLYDE: what's up, famiy?
h (LAUGhiNG) hey there, baby. what's up, baby?
You iookng sharp. Look at you. Gri, Betty, you too much.
Ciyde what's up, o? what's up, Bg Law?
i see you an't gettng no bgger. Look at you, boy.
Look at you, boy
oTis: Lucnda, what's up, baby?
(LAUGhiNG) oh, my God, h
Good seeng you, baby.
hey, iook at you, boy. Look. You sure you our reiatve?
Lttie mexcan
i got a ittie somethng for everybody
i stopped to pck up some red veivet cakes for the pcnc.
(GAspiNG)
From Cooter's Bakery n Tuscaioosa?
CLYDE: Yeah.
weii, you oniy get one goiden annversary, mama J.
(EXCLAimiNG) hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah.
hey hey, now
(LAUGhiNG) There he s what's up, papa J? how you dong, man?
is the fountan of youth around here somewhere,
or you been takng that Vagra?
(LAUGhiNG) You better watch t.
see, 'Cnda? Lucnda
i'm so giad to see you. weicome home.
oh. oh.
Now that's nostaiga for you, rght there. Famiy sprt award goes to Roscoe
Cross Coiour Jones Look at you, boy
stii wearng ots' hand-me-downs. Come here, man.
They're n the bag.
weii, the arines iost my bag, so...
what's your excuse?
man... hey, man, ths that Tger hoods, man.
You know me. i get my nne hoies n.
Roscoe Jenkns.
(LAUGhiNG)
oh.
oh, t's been ages.
wow, t's been so iong
(BiANCA CLEARs ThRoAT)
Ciyde, Lucnda, ths s my fancee...
my fancee... Banca.
Banca ktties. how you dong? Banca
sweeter than sktties. Gri, you pretter n person.
is that so?
You fnd somebody that say dfferent, see f i don't siap them to sieep.
And i don't even get voient.
it's my pieasure, Banca.
wow, congratuiatons, you two. The pieasure's mne.
what's up wth that?
(SINGING) And, Lord, we thank you for the pork ribs,
as well as, yes, the coleslaw, and...
i hear what you're sayng, but iook, i gotta go.
Thank y ou! And we thank y ou for the sweet potato pie,
and, yes, for the scrumptious red velvet cakes from Cooter's!
We thank y ou, Lord! And they all did say,
ALL: Amen
we thank you for that beautfui benedcton.
You mean iong. RUThiE: ots
mama and i are just fiied wth joy
that so many frends and famiy have joned us on ths very specai occason.
Ths woman has put up wth me for fve decades,
and i iove her now more than ever. Thank you, baby.
Aii rght, papa J. hear, hear, now.
(ALL ChATTERiNG)
BETTY: Ciyde, you try some of ths corn, baby?
And don't you forget these roiis, 'cause i made them wth you n mnd.
You butter the bscuts? (LAUGhiNG) You know i dd.
oTis: hey, Betty? Betty.
what?
he's your cousn, not a potentai tp.
You know what, ots? okay? shut up.
Now, i'm just giad to see hm, that's aii. And, and... okay, you, too, queene.
Thank you, Betty.
so, Lucnda, i hear you two were hgh schooi sweethearts.
oh, weii, that was a iong tme ago.
Yeah. But you never forget your frst iove.
An't that rght, 'Cnda?
LUCiNDA: Yeah, i guess not.
Look at her. Just as beautfui as ever.
You know, i'm gonna ieave some of these hood-rats aione
and get reai serous about makng ths gri mrs. stubbs.
You know, matter of fact, ots, get me a broom rght now.
i'm gonna jump mazei tov
You know what i'm taikng about, ots?
Don't beieve ths one, okay?
he's more nterested n jumpng bones than jumpng brooms.
ooh.
weii, best of iuck to the both of you. You make a great coupie.
(CoUGhiNG) Buiisht
Betty
Excuse me, y'aii, i had a pece of ceiery stuck n my throat.
CLYDE: weii, you know, i admt t. i ike to piay.
But, after i get me a coupie of more deaiershps,
i wii be kng of the south, who wii need hs Queen.
weii, my kng has a surprse.
RJ's havng a professonai camera crew fim the annversary banquet
(ALL EXCLAimiNG)
Teii them, honey Go ahead
Lke my baby sad, t was supposed to be a surprse.
A gft, reaiiy. You know, no bg deai. Just a ittie somethng specai for y'aii.
That's so sweet.
wat a mnute. hoid up. Ngga, you got some cameras hdden around?
You done brought some cameras? Regge...
You got that sht hdden around here? oh, y'aii seen hs show.
Roscoe be jumpng out of bushes on ittie mdgets.
mAmA: mdgets?
Negiected aibno chidren. Ai-Qaeda ieaders.
(ChANTiNG)
Rce, chcken kebab, chcken faiafei...
(ChANTiNG)
(LAUGhiNG) Boy, you crazy. i'm teiing you,
they be scatterng ike roaches, ike Cops.
You gonna wn a Emmy, and i'm votng for you.
Remember, son, ths s a famiy ceiebraton, not some hoiiywood producton.
Yes, sr.
oh, heii, t'ii be aii rght, papa J.
i'm sure oid Roscoe gonna do the rght thng.
i'm just giad to see your baby boy back gracng us wth hs presence.
You done good, 'scoe.
You got a outstandng career, beautfui fancee, great son.
You fnaiiy wnnng, man.
Don't even matter that you couid never beat me at nothng.
(moCkiNG LAUGh) oh, sht That's the button.
RJ: what you tryng to do, Ciyde?
i'm tryng my best to be a better man
and you tryng to drag me nto a pens-swngng contest?
mAmA: oh, my goodness. That defnteiy an't no contest.
(LAUGhiNG)
You a sad man, Ciyde. Your compettve edge mprsons you.
Feei good for what you've done, not for what you haven't.
The one ioss you suffered at my hands s stii a burden to you.
Get over t. i have.
That's the ''Team of me.''
(whispERs) That's rght, baby.
oh.
And just for the record, i'ii beat you agan. And worse.
is that rght?
Care to make t nterestng? Lttie wager, perhaps?
For what? You'd just fnd a way to renege agan, rengga.
ALL: oh, sht.
i an't never reneged on no bet.
You a damn iar
oh, ths s gettng hot
You know damn weii what the heii i'm taikng about.
You're a sore ioser, and you stoie what was mne.
Lemonade s good, mama.
There t s. That btch done made you tough, Roscoe.
You hungry as sht, but that btch done made you tough
(DooR sLAms)
RJ: what s wrong wth you?
BiANCA: i can't beieve you're stii pnng after the prom queen.
we oniy sad three words to each other
Forty words.
And that Ciyde, he's a smug son of a btch.
No wonder he's a car saiesman. he's sick and unethcai.
why the heii dd you teii everybody about the camera crew?
They were gonna see them anyway.
And besdes, we were iosng ground. i had to make a move.
Banca, ths s not Survivor!
oh, yes, t s.
Look, baby, baby, baby. Lsten. Lsten.
(siGhs) Let's not fght, okay? i'm sorry.
Lucnda was just a crush, but i moved on.
so you're over her?
how can i not be, wth you as my iady?
Yeah, that's what i'm taikng about. Yeah
oh, baby. Aii the tme i spent here, i never got a ittie pece of nothng.
No way. These waiis are way too thn.
And pius, your famiy istens.
That's rdcuious
Look, now, i want to speak n tongues.
(mUmBLiNG)
Nope. Forget t.
Damn
Thnk you so damn specai.
i sent a piasma, you bought cake. Negro, piease
hey, Roscoe, i ddn't know you were stii up.
hey, Lucnda, how you dong?
i'm great.
who you taikng to?
Nobody.
weii, actuaiiy, myseif. i do that. You know, just practcng for the show.
You know, keep t fresh, you know?
okay, i see. Can you take a break?
Damn
Ths cake s scrumptous.
i knew you'd ike t.
so, you sad your pubicst ntroduced you?
Yeah. weii, yeah.
we... we had her on the show after she won.
And... we just sort of connected, you know?
so how does she and Jamaai get aiong?
Reai good.
You know, she got hm eatng rght.
maternai stuff.
he's a great kd.
oh, thank you.
so, you and Ciyde?
No. he was a famiar face when i moved to Atianta.
he's sweet, but your cousn's a piayer.
what happened to your engagement? wasn't there some guy?
Are you keepng tabs on me, Roscoe Jenkns?
weii, no, no, i heard thngs. You know... Look at my ears.
(LAUGhs) You know, i heard... i heard t. You know i heard t.
(LAUGhiNG) You stupd.
what dd you hear? huh?
That i went to schooi to fnd a husband, rght?
see? Yeah, i dd. i got engaged eariy.
i had the vson of havng a two-ncome househoid,
three kds before 30, sunday brunch wth my homegris...
sounds good to me.
Don't t, though?
But the student ioans never go away, you're stii broke after grad schooi,
and he ddn't want kds.
Ever.
so... Dream deferred.
i feei you.
me and Jamaai's mom was a dsaster.
i wasn't ready to be a parent, ether. But he's my son.
spoken ike a true Jenkns man.
You need to fnsh that cake.
(EXCLAims) sht.
'Cause f i don't watch ths fgure, who wii?
i couid thnk of some takers.
me, too sgn me up for that booty duty
hey, Regge. we were just sayng good nght.
heii, no, don't iet me nterrupt. Don't iet me nterrupt.
Don't iet hm nterrupt.
LUCiNDA: oh, no, no, no. it's okay.
i need to go home and see my parents, and i'ii taik to you guys tomorrow. okay?
Good nght. Good nght.
Teii the truth. You got a woody, don't you?
Fooi, f i had a woody, i'd fip ths tabie over.
we was just catchng up.
Your daddy don't want that piasma you bought. i'ii just teii you that rght now.
And t's a damn shame that t's just gong to waste ike that.
Just a TV, just sttng there, an't gonna do nothng, man, s...
There's so many poor peopie down here that need...
wouid you ike that... That piasma, Regge?
i... Boy, i an't iyng. i couid use t.
weii, wouid you ike to have t?
Yeah i'm gonna get t and freak t. i'm gonna have t rght.
Not gonna happen.
Just tght. That's just...
(ULULATiNG)
hey, Lone Ranger, t's tme to saddie up.
Uh-oh.
Gotta go.
h-yo, siver off to the ATm machne
Gddy-up Yes.
Gddy-up
it's gonna be a iong weekend.
(FARTs)
Excuse me.
(FARTs LoUDER)
Excuse.
Baby, my Downward Dog s fne.
Your aignment's off.
watch me.
(iNhALEs)
(EXhALEs)
Damn, you are fiexbie
Good mornng, Regge.
Good mornng to you
what's up, 'scoe?
Fuck you iookng at, Regge?
You wanna giue your eyes back nto your head, now?
oh, my fauit. i ddn't mean to iook, but i was just checkng out the pose, man.
hey That s nce. That's hot. That s so hot.
Can i heip you wth somethng, Regge?
oh, your bag s here.
You couidn't just say that from Jump street.
i was dstracted, 'cause t iooked ike somebody ht you n the face
wth a sack of nckeis.
weii, maybe a foot n your ass'ii heip you focus, huh?
maybe a sice of red veivet cake'ii heip you focus.
man, get your iook and move on. one iook.
BiANCA: ...and down.
That's t. one. one
one more, one more, one tme.
That's t. move on
oh, my God. Damn, 'scoe
BiANCA: Namaste.
oh hey.
Regge's got a Frank Aaron jersey, too, baby.
That's hank, baby. And mne s a imted edton.
Regge wouidn't even know where to iook for one.
oh, t's your worid, piayer.
i'm just a squrrei tryng to get a nut, f you know what i mean.
(DoG whimpERs)
mmm.
man, you need to get her pregnant soon. Come on, Bucky, iet's go.
my God. Dd you see that?
Yeah.
That's my jersey, an't t?
Come on, Jamaai.
i don't thnk i'm cut out for softbaii.
Don't be such a gri about t.
Jamaai, forget aii that. You a naturai.
pius, ths was your dad's sport. Aii rght?
The man thng s to reiax and keep cooi. Just ike your dad.
RJ: Come on, we got them, we got them we got them, come on, we got them
we got them
CLYDE: You out, sucka Damn t
CLYDE: Good throw, Betty
how couid ths fooi steai everythng but thrd?
'Cause i got a cannon n ths arm, boy A-Rod an't steaing on me.
Damn, i'm a thef. i don't never get caught steaing.
Can't steai thrd, brother, not around here.
my shrt Go home, man.
Yeah, my fauit. Ths an't authentc, s t?
where does that chid thnk she s?
i don't know.
But i bet that come wth pant remover. Good God
RJ: Jamaai wden your stance, son.
keep your eye on the baii. Choke up on the bat.
Focus. okay.
BETTY: Do what your father toid you, okay?
Now, don't be scared of Caiie. i know she's bg.
we aii bg. That's why you n queston.
RJ: Jamaai Focus.
pApA: Aii rght, t's 0 and 2. Come on, Jamaai.
strke three
mAmA: That's aii rght, baby.
That's a good try. God, ths kd's pathetc
You're makng Grandma proud.
pApA: Good try, Jamaai.
BETTY: No, no, t wasn't, Daddy.
Now, what s he, Roscoe? one of them meatiess peopie?
is he one of them vegans or vogans, whatever?
You need to feed that chid, Roscoe, that's what's wrong wth hm
You an't gvng hm enough...
LUCiNDA: Good one, Caiie
BETTY: Can't understand nothng. he's dumb n the bran.
mAmA: Come on, Roscoe ht one for mama
Aii i need you to do s make contact.
i got ths.
You got a strkeout a-comng f you an't carefui.
''Youse got a strkeout comng f you an't carefui.
''Boy, youse gonna...''
oTis: Y'aii don't take the smie for a weakness aii the tme, okay?
REGGiE: i've never thought that.
Y'aii thnk i'm weak or somethng.
No, i don't thnk you weak.
okay. Don't. okay. i thought you was Uncie Ben.
CLYDE: hey.
Take a seat. Let me get ths, rght here.
Aii rght. That's what i'm taikng 'bout, now Let the games begn Come on, baby
what the heii you thnk you dong, Ciyde?
i'm about to strke you out, piayer
i've got a narrow strke zone, boy.
CLYDE: oh, that's aii rght, papa J.
Anythng wder than Roscoe head wouid be unfar.
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
Everybody st down. have a seat.
Take a ioad off. Get comfortabie. Don't worry about t.
Brng the La-Z-Boys out here or somethng. Come on, boy.
i got ths, rght here.
what's up, 'scoe? You ready?
You want to be n the bg tme? here we go, yeah.
BETTY: Rght here, baby
strke
(whoopiNG)
That's better than ar condtonng rght there, boy.
(imiTATEs shiVERiNG)
(LAUGhiNG) Feei that breeze?
Come on, Roscoe
They just taikng smack, baby. You can do t, baby
Focus, RJ Come on. Get a ht
(EXCLAims)
''Focus, RJ''
Aii rght, everybody good? Betty, aii rght, gve me a ittie somethng.
okay.
okay, i got you. Good to go. Aii rght, cooi, cooi, cooi.
Rght here.
Crush t kii t
(GRUNTs)
(EXCLAims)
You ht my mama mama
BETTY: oh, my God CLYDE: oh, no, no
mama J
mAmA: oh, Jesus.
REGGiE: That done knocked the wg off and everythng. Damn
RJ: hey, get off me about t rght now.
oTis: oh, reaiiy? Get off you about t? RJ: That's rght.
Yeah, okay? stop sweatng me about t.
But i was tryng to teii you to wat on the fiutterbaii.
You up there swngng ike Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,
now my mama got a red ttty on her head
she's my mama, too, o.
we don't know that. You couid be adopted.
Look, i gotta get the fsh. meet me at monty's. Can you do that?
mama, i'm sorry. Reaiiy sorry, mama.
i know, baby. mama'ii be aii rght.
heck, mama, i was tryng to ht t out the park. i ddn't know t was gong that way.
i'm gettng my headache, baby. Be quet.
Daddy...
son, we aii make mstakes.
we just have to iearn from them.
Though i don't know what you iearn by gvng your mama a concusson.
oFFiCER: hey, Bg o
i don't know how you take t down here, o.
man, you was the best inebacker n the state.
if t wasn't for your knee njury, shoot
man, you'd be n the NFL, ivng n a manson, drvng a Benz.
Yeah, that's good, man. But, you know, t wasn't n God's pians for me.
God's pian s cooi, but you needed the ''me'' pian.
oh, man, stop taikng that buiisht. i an't no faiure. i'm a kng.
i got a great famiy,
i ive n a great communty that i iove and that ioves me back.
You the faiure.
how do you fgure that?
i made t.
oh, why? 'Cause you got some money? 'Cause you on TV?
what eise you got to show for t?
Everythng i an't have growng up.
what you an't have that was that mportant?
hey, why don't Jamaai know how to piay basebaii?
You used to iove to piay, and you was haifway decent.
man, i an't got tme for aii that. Besdes, Jamaai oniy ioves soccer.
i thnk Jamaai wouid iove whatever sport hs father showed nterest n.
(moCkiNG LAUGh) oh, so you a parentng expert, now?
man, aii i'm sayng s don't iet money rase your kds.
weii, don't iet cornbread and chtins rase yours.
what you iookng at me ike that for, o?
Yeah, i sad t. why you approachng me?
i just ddn't hear you.
i sad what you iookng at me ike that for?
An't nobody scared of you.
what'd you say before that?
Don't iet what?
Don't iet chtins, cornbread, ham hocks,
cheese stcks or none of that rase your kds.
That's what i sad. what, you got hostity? what, what... what's happenng?
Ths an't your ittie brother no more, o. i'm a grown man.
You know, i don't get ass whoopngs, i gve 'em out.
mmm-hmm?
You a offcer here n mayberry.
Come on... what you carry? A fiashight and a baton?
A'ght. Teii you what. maybe...
if you a good oid boy, i hre you as my securty.
(LAUGhs) Yeah, i got the puii. i can do t.
Bg-ass...
Now you and mama got matchng tttes. maybe y'aii are reiated.
(FuNK MuSIC pLAyING oN ADIo)
You know, you shouid do a show about scrawny ittie brothers
that constantiy get btched. Look at your head
Yeah, but... Thank you. But my next show gonna be about prson hoes
who mask conjugai vsts as Bbie readngs.
Yeah, t's gonna be caiied ''Bbie Thumpers or Bbie humpers?''
You avaiabie?
(LAUGhiNG)
You got tme?
what you feeing?
oh. oh, okay. You better get your Butterfnger-eatng ass back n the car.
i may not ht a woman, but i'ii beat a btch's ass.
oh, s that what you gonna do? Yeah.
That's what you gonna do? what?
You gonna beat a btch's ass? oh... oh...
what btch you gonna beat, 'scoe?
what btch you gonna beat, huh, 'scoe? That's what t's ike?
is that what t's ike? hoid up.
what btch you gonna beat, 'scoe?
You snapped my neck, ittie... Look out You ddn't know. Goiden giove.
watch. i'm gonna gve you a drty, south-ass whppng, boy
Come on, come on Brng t back Brng t back, punk Come on, brng t on back
(sCREAmiNG)
oh
Roscoe, get your damn... Get off of me, 'scoe
(BoTh GRUNTiNG)
That an't weave, fooi You gonna be sorry
(GRUNTiNG)
wat a mnute You done puiied out my damn tracks what you gonna do, RJ?
i'm sck of you i'm sck say you sorry. say uncie. say uncie say uncie
say t Taik your sht now, you fake-ass Bruce Lee
You wanna get up? You wanna get up?
Come on, come on. i done toid you about your mouth
i am not a ho
i am dong God's work say, ''prase the Lord''
(GRUNTs)
(GRoANiNG)
Now i'm gonna teii you somethng. You'd better be giad i'm a good Chrstan,
'cause the next tme i mght not be so mercfui.
You done made me iose my protecton from the Lord.
Father God, forgve hm, for he know not what he do.
i'm gonna pray for you, Roscoe.
Thank you, i...
(wEAk CoUGh)
(GRoANiNG)
RJ: hey, Lucnda.
oh, my God Roscoe, are you okay?
what do you mean?
weii, your face iooks ike you got run over by a tractor.
Reaiiy? i feei fne.
weii, t iooks terrbie. here, st.
(ChUCkLEs)
oh, my God.
here.
(GRUNTiNG)
That feeis good.
Good, good.
hey, t mght be a good dea to stop teasng everybody.
(LAUGhs)
Ths s nothng.
why you tryng to front?
i'm not frontng.
(EXCLAims iN pAiN)
see? see? You know you're hurtng.
The Roscoe Jenkns i knew wouid've owned up to t.
weii, ths s RJ stevens you're tendng to now, gri.
Yeah, the new and mproved Roscoe 7.0.
i thnk Roscoe 1 .0 was just fne.
oh
i ddn't know you were back.
we weren't dong nothng
Nothng much, that s.
weii, good. why don't you gve me a hand, Roscoe?
papa J, i thought you wanted me to heip.
No, that's aii rght. Roscoe's got ths.
Yeah, i got ths.
(hAmmERiNG)
(JAZZ MuSIC pLAyING)
son, you are ready to get marred, aren't you?
(ChUCkLEs)
of course Yeah. why do you ask?
weii, f i ddn't know any better,
i'd thnk there's somethng gong on between you and Lucnda.
oh, no i'm just, you know...
we're just catchng up.
Daddy, the weddng s gonna be hot.
Got the caterer, R. keiiy's sngng...
Beyonce s gonna choreograph the Eiectrc side.
Roscoe, i thnk you know what i'm sayng.
The marrage sn't about the weddng day.
Your mama and i got marred rght out there n the front yard.
i know, but... weii, Banca wants a bg weddng wth aii the trmmngs.
is that what you want?
Yeah, i... i thnk.
(sTAmmERs) i do. i do.
(ChUCkLEs)
how does Jamaai feei about that?
Jamaai, he... Jamaai's cooi, Daddy.
Be mndfui of that boy. he never sees hs own mother.
From what he teiis me, he doesn't see much of you, ether.
i'm tryng, Daddy. Aii rght? But the show keeps me so busy...
The show. Team of Me. i never qute understood that.
weii, t's... it's just a sayng, you know? protect yourseif. Be your own man.
weii, that's fne, son, but...
There are tmes you gotta depend on others, famiy and frends.
i mean, you never iearned anythng ike that around here.
And that's certaniy not somethng you teach a chid.
some kds iearn t on ther own, Daddy.
(RJ sNoRiNG)
honey i've been busy wth a personai project aii mornng
and i'm exhausted, so... Be a dear and waik Ff for me?
Come on, baby. Let Feef run around and enjoy nature.
i was hopng to get a ittie nap.
Aw.
my ittie man s tred.
weii, i promse i'ii do any ittie thng you want f you do ths ittie thng for me.
pius, i want to show you my ittie project.
(BUZZiNG)
what project?
Damn
Are those my ntais?
BiANCA: mmm-hmm.
i toid you t was yours.
You're a heii of an artst, baby.
Come on, Feef
Come on, Feef, go pee.
(RATTLiNG)
oh, sht snake Feef Come on, Feef
(DoG whimpERiNG)
Run, Ff Run Come on
Come on hey Lucnda... hey, what's the matter?
Don't go down there. Ff's cornered by ths bg-ass posonous snake.
And you ieft her?
No Lucnda save yourseif
(LUCiNDA sCREAmiNG)
You see? i'm sorry, Ff
i an't suckng out no... No poson
You okay, gri? Yeah? You just got a ittie scare, huh?
(LAUGhs)
Ff...
it's okay. it's aii rght.
she aii rght? Yeah.
here you go. see? it was just a ittie mik snake.
(EXCLAims)
Now, that wasn't the snake i saw. it was an anaconda or a python.
weii, we don't have those down here.
For reai? Uh-huh.
There you go.
You want to take a waik?
sure.
You out here runnng off that red veivet cake, huh?
i deserve some cake.
Yeah, no...
oh, come on, you heard the stores. heii, you wtnessed a bunch.
Everybody dd everythng better than me. so, i found somethng i'm good at.
i get n front of that audence and they feei me.
more than anyone here ever dd.
piease, Roscoe. what famiy doesn't mess wth one another?
i mean, i got teased to no end about my sknny iegs.
Yeah, weii, you do have some sim-jms.
oh, shut up
You couid pck your teeth wth those iegs.
(LAUGhiNG) shut up.
see? You can dsh t out, boy. Especaiiy when t comes to Ciyde.
(sCoFFs) Ciyde.
Ciyde's bg-headed ass needs to be knocked off hs hgh horse sometmes.
why are you two aiways dggng at each other?
Because Ciyde s drty, and wii use any underhanded trck to wn.
Aren't you exaggeratng just a ittie?
No.
And what was aii that ''you stoie what was mne'' busness?
At the pcnc. what dd he steai?
A great opportunty.
weii, f t was that great, why can't you create another one?
maybe i wii.
maybe you shouid.
weii, weii, weii. here y'aii are agan
Caught you, ddn't i? mamma gonna get ya...
Ths rases some eyebrows.
weii, sng ike a canary, Regge. whstie.
(hUmmiNG)
Aii that wth the brds. harmonze wth 'em. But you're not gettng the piasma.
i was waikng the dog.
how's that? Bucky's wth us.
i'm taikng about Fona. where s Feef?
oh, i thnk she's down by the guiiy.
where's Bucky?
Down by the guiiy.
REGGiE: he's gonna tear t up.
(BUCkY howLiNG)
Bucky, get your ass off
(whiNiNG)
oh, my God.
(EXCLAims)
(YELpiNG)
she s so workng hm.
Don't be surprsed f he starts barkng n tongues.
(FiFi YELps)
Bucky done turned the btch out.
(EXhALEs)
Reg, not a word.
i got you.
is that piasma TV under warranty?
mmm.
i'm a steei trap, piayer. That dog gonna need counseing.
You gonna be aii rght?
maybe she won't notce.
(RJ EXhALEs)
oh, baby, me and Ff had so much fun out there,
we compieteiy iost track of tme.
Yeah, Daddy ioves hmseif some Ff. isn't that rght, Ff?
Daddy ioves hs ittie Ff Yeah oh, we was runnng aii over the piace, baby.
Yeah, she may need a bath. she got drty. Reai drty.
Now see here, buster.
Your aiiance s wth me, not the prom queen.
oh, come on, baby. There's no other aiiance. Aii rght?
Now how about you show me that ittie project?
i shaved off my ittie project.
why'd you do that?
if i dscover there's a mutny afoot, i'm gonna shave off your ittie project.
Understand?
Damn
MAN oN TV. one timer! Kaberle.
Goai
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
Dang, you got game, nephew. it's aii rght.
hey, Dad
Roscoe maiiey what's up, man?
so i heard you been runnng around wth my gri agan. Come on, man.
Let's piay the game. me and Junor take on you and Jamaai.
Yeah.
i don't piay chidren's games.
oh, s that rght? Then what's your poson, brother?
(RATTLiNG)
Ya hear that, though. You ike that, eh?
Yeah, i've been dyng to piay a ittie cick-ciack.
sure you want to take t there, Ciyde?
'Cause i don't piay for fun.
An't no fun iosng money.
Then you're about to have a bad tme.
(BoTh EXCLAimiNG)
seven oh, that's gonna be aii day rght there
RJ: Can you handie t? money maker money maker
Daddy needs a new par of gators.
watch ths rght there.
Taikng about shake 'em up, shake 'em up, wake 'em.
oh
Yeah, Dad
Daddy, yes
You know what, man? i admre you.
Yeah? i admre you, Roscoe.
i mean, you stii keep tryng. You know, 'cause even when i iose, i wn.
ooh. ooh.
weii, then ths must feei ike the champonshp,
'cause you're iosng the grp. Btch
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
Rght there. Come on, baby, eat for mama.
Bnata?
You're not istenng. Now, i toid you to take that dog out of my ktchen.
it just an't santary what's wrong wth peopie?
Brngng damn dogs up n foiks' ktchen? Don't make no damn sense.
(sCREAmiNG)
That an't nothng, you an't even sick wth yours, so that's the probiem.
Everybody see what you're dong, man. But she mne, bro.
Yeah? weii, you mght want to teii her that, 'cause she's feeing a brother.
(LAUGhiNG) seven agan
Aii rght, grease s hot, i need that fsh.
RUThiE: here you go, baby.
Thank you.
mmm.
it's a ittie sweet, but t's deicous.
Yes And that wne of yours, baby, set t rght off
The '67 margaux? Yeah
That's a $600 bottie
And worth every penny
oh
seven agan
oh
somebody stop t
(LAUGhiNG)
Come on, roii the dce, man.
oh, i get t. That's mne, that's mne.
pass on that ass.
oh ALL: oh
Couid t be?
No, no, no, no.
i caii gator on that rght there.
Ngga, ths an't monopoiy.
hey, hey, man Roii agan, bro.
Ciyde, you better un-ass me before you fnd yourseif a pnky short.
You better roii agan before you fnd yourseif an artery short.
(RJ GRowLiNG)
You brought t on yourseif You brought t on yourseif, Ciyde
Let's go get some fsh. okay. Come on, Jamaai.
is ths what you wanted, Ciyde? That's what you want.
That's rght That's rght That's Junor Varsty rght there, bro
(BoTh sCREAmiNG)
(BoTh GRUNTiNG)
Feei that?
oh, that's your ass rght there
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
wat, wat, stop
Y'aii better stop aii that runnng through my ktchen
Got you Yeah
You broke Daddy's tabie we worked hard on ths
(sCREAmiNG)
That's 'cause you fxed t
(womEN LAUGhiNG)
(ALL ChATTERiNG)
AmY: i sad, why are you drnkng when you're pregnant?
weii, they sad i couid have a giass of wne.
Reaiiy?
They ddn't say how many tmes you couid refii t, though, baby.
i want to be pregnant
how about another one?
Let's do t, Baioio.
Ciyde-o-mana, baby
(GRoANiNG)
You ended up wth a bg dog now, boy. You ought to check my dentai records.
(BoTh sCREAmiNG)
Lord, these foois been piayng dce.
hey, knock t off
Lades, get the tartar sauce and the hot sauce,
'cause the Jenkns famiy s about to throw down
(CLYDE AND RJ sCREAmiNG)
(sCREAmiNG)
(CLYDE AND RJ GRUNTiNG)
(ALL CLAmoRiNG)
(shoUTiNG) man, what are y'aii dong?
stop that...
(womEN shRiEkiNG)
BiANCA: RJ, no
it's hot it's hot
(womEN sCREAmiNG)
oTis: oh, heii no
RUThiE: oh, my God.
AmY: Are you okay?
oh, my God.
he started t. he started t.
(siNGiNG) What they heading for now What they heading for now...
Damn poor mama.
You shouid have had more prenatai care. Look at your kds.
i'm sorry.
(whimpERiNG)
Baby, i'm sorry.
it was an accdent.
sience, shower, strategy.
That's aii i need rght now.
(kNoCkiNG oN DooR)
Boy, the shower s aii yours.
(REGGiE LAUGhiNG)
You used aii my sht
Yeah, what?
And you're wearng my robe?
what... Now, you ittie...
Banca, how's Fona dong? she stii spooked by that snake?
what snake?
REGGiE: The snake Lucnda saved Ff from.
i mean, she seems pretty reiaxed. That's probabiy 'cause...
sateiite huh, 'scoe?
sateiite, pay-per-vew, premum channeis, sports channeis,
piatnum ttty channeis... Aii that, man.
playboy channeis?
Yeah, butt-naked channeis. You ike butt-naked?
oh, i got to have t.
You ike when they butt-naked, showng aii ass?
You know t. Gospei channeis?
Yeah, you... Gospei, aii that
Teiemundo? You ike Teiemundo?
i ike... i ike spansh.
Aii that
Aii the...
(imiTATiNG TANGo mUsiC)
my man. peace.
(sNARLiNG)
i don't know who you are anymore, Roscoe Jenkns.
Baby, t's me.
it's RJ.
Are you reaiiy wiing to put your career, your future, n jeopardy over a crush?
Career? Baby, we're gettng marred.
Get your prortes n order and decde what and who you reaiiy want.
Let that smmer whie you sieep on the couch tonght.
we're gong to take a shower.
(showER RUNNiNG)
Regge heii, no
Get your nasty ass outta here
i ddn't know that was you. You knew i was n here
You s a nasty common freak
There s a naked inebacker n our shower rght now.
Now, you done brought that ittie whte gai up n here,
now you tryng to sneak around and see some biack meat?
Gri, an't no... i ddn't try to come here and iook at you
weii, then hand me my femnne wash
i can see why you can't keep a man, now.
You got to iay off them miky ways and Dortos and tortiio chps.
And your mother shouidn't have dd them goddamn drugs
when she was pregnant wth you That's what's wrong wth your biack ass
God, your tttes are huge, Betty.
Look, i'm gonna teii Daddy.
i'm gonna teii my daddy that you are n here tryng to see my treats, Regge.
wat, you're gonna be iyng f you teii hm that
Then what was you dong n here?
i thought that...
Can i just gve you ths bubbiegum and get on out of here?
what? You wanted Chck-fi-A, that's what you got.
i'm Burger kng. i'm a Doubie whopper.
You want to see ths dark meat? i don't piay that fooishness. You're sck.
i do want to see the biack meat, but i don't want to see a bundie of t.
Get out of here, you sck nasty bastard
RJ: she gonna put me out of my room.
she's a survvor... i'm a survvor krbat, my ass
Good nght, vegan
(RJ LAUGhs)
Fnaiiy, peace at iast.
(sNoRiNG)
Bucky
You stnky dog Bucky
oh, heii no
(sCREAmiNG)
he done pssed n my eyes
it stnks my eyes it burns
oh, Lord oh oh...
(GRoANiNG)
it stnk. it stnk. my eyes are burnng. it got n my mouth
They're burnng
where dd i go wrong wth that boy?
mama mama mama
Lord have mercy.
RJ: mama
(DEoDRANT spRAYiNG)
(whispERiNG) i don't know what that s.
womAN: (whispERiNG) heii, no, that an't me.
what the...
Come on, baby brother, ease up, man. You got my eyes tearng.
my skn s aii tchy. Don't do that, man
smeiis ike garbage truck juce out here.
pApA: Today
you aii contnue the Dry sprngs obstacie course tradton.
so get out there and dspiay that Jenkns famiy athietc prowess
And, no matter what, have fun
(ALL ChEERiNG)
Good iuck, young man. make me proud.
wn somethng. Go on, have a good tme.
BETTY: have fun.
Jamaai, nobody remembers who came n second, okay?
so you gotta get pumped, rght? Loosen up.
Loosen up your muscies. Come on, ioosen up Come on, come on
wn wn we're wnners. we're wnners.
Ease up now, krbat.
Jamaai, go. Ths an't none of your busness, Ciyde.
Look, come on, man. Ths s just kds havng fun.
weii, t an't no fun gettng beat. You shouid know that, Cadiiac man.
hey, that was one tme Even a bind squrrei can fnd a nut.
who are you caiing a squrrei?
''who are you caiing a squrrei?''
Roscoe, that's who A bind, stnk-ass squrrei.
And you the nut. koo-koo
hey, ieave my iady out of ths. i know you're not caiing my vctory a fiuke.
oh, fiuke, iuck, one n a miion shot, yeah.
weii, brng t on, Ciyde. we can do ths rght here, rght now.
(ALL ARGUiNG)
he's aiways been a ioser. he's aiways gonna be a ioser.
(ALL CoNTiNUE ARGUiNG)
hey, Daddy Daddy, you hear these foois? i'm gonna arrest them
(pApA shoUTs)
You two been at ths for 20 years.
Go ahead. knock yourseives out. startng ine, 10 mnutes
oh, yeah? Yeah, Daddy Yeah
startng ine, 10 mnutes, Ciyde Ten mnutes. Ten mnutes.
Ten mnutes, Ciyde
BiANCA: Get hm
Ten mnutes to countdown, baby Come on, Ciyde.
Gunfght at the o.k. Corrai
REGGiE: oh, shoot, t's the Negro oiympcs
Dad, are you sure about ths?
Focus, son. Concentrate.
Cut me n or cut t out Ciyde s favored to do the job
Good iuck, 'scoe. That's rght. who gonna bet?
Y'aii better strap yourseives n, 'cause ths here's gonna be funny
hey, Regge, iet me get some of that acton
i got a puiied hamstrng for Ciyde and a back spasm for Roscoe.
(BETTY LAUGhiNG)
RJ's n top shape. Your man? No shape.
Ciyde s not my man. we are just...
Just frends.
Yeah. Lke you and RJ?
what are you taikng about?
i've been watchng you.
Tryng to wn favor wth Jamaai. Reaizng what you mssed out on.
it's pathetc. And you're too iate.
'Cause there are no second chances for washed-up prom queens.
(EXCLAims) sorry. sorry.
Now, that was panfui. You a bad btch.
You bad.
A bad btch, Betty? piease, okay?
she s a fake ceiebrty, aii rght?
her oniy ciam to fame s tradng her pantes for peanut butter.
That's some nasty sht there.
News fiash, honey. Those pantes went for 20 grand onine.
wat a mnute. Twenty grand for your pantes?
Yes.
weii, wat, i got some pantes, okay?
i got the good pantes, i got the thong pantes,
i got the perod pantes. They mght...
Betty, i got a news fiash for you.
Bucky boned Ff.
oh, Lord
weii?
Dd he kii her?
she was on top.
BETTY: The pomegraman?
LUCiNDA: Now that s a bad btch. BETTY: oh, my God.
Ff
Your dog's a whore
Aii rght. on your mark
Get set
(ALL ChEERiNG)
Run, baby
Get out the way
what s wrong wth them?
(GRUNTiNG)
(ALL shoUTiNG)
Go
oh, get back Don't want nothng...
hey, get back, sucka. watch out hey Get off me
CLYDE: i got hm i'm gong
oh, no share that
share that.
(sCEAmiNG) i'm gone
(EXCLAims)
Redempton Redempton
oh, no No
Forget t
You gotta go, Rasta boy
(GRUNTs)
No hey
(GRUNTiNG)
Cannonbaii
oh, sht
(GRUNTiNG)
ht the fioor, baby G.i. Joe
Navy sEAL Navy sEAL
sip and side, Ciyde
(GRUNTiNG)
Try the south Beach Det, fat-ass Yeah
(LAUGhiNG)
Come on, baby
No, you don't
oh, heii no No
(LAUGhiNG TRiUmphANTLY)
(GRUNTiNG)
(CRowD EXCLAimiNG)
(sQUEALiNG)
man, i feit that n my stomach.
(GRUNTs)
oTis: Come on, baby Let's go
No No hoid on
(sCREAmiNG)
son, no wat
(sCREAmiNG)
sorry, Dad
You You wat You...
(sCREAmiNG)
hoid on, baby hoid on
BETTY: Go, Ciyde, go
(CLoTh RippiiNG)
oh
(LAUGhiNG)
That's aii rght, baby
REGGiE: Look at them stretch marks
Let's go, Jamaai You can do t oTis: Go Go
whoo Yeah
it's your ass Come on...
oh, i got you now. see you at the fnsh ine, boy.
Get up, baby Get up
Yeah Yeah...
You see that? Upper body strength.
That's what beng n the gym wii do for you
weii, i'm a power runner. True warror man i an't never scared
Yeah, me, nether
(sCREAmiNG)
i'm gong down i'm gong down
mama...
i'm gonna de
(GRoANiNG)
(EXCLAimiNG)
BETTY: Go, Ciyde, go
Go, RJ Get hm
heip me, Dad hey, come on
Dad Dg n, come on
i can't heip Dad
Come on, son
Come on, Ciyde, you can do t.
(GRoANs)
Come on. Come on. Come on, son Go
i'm tryng Dg n, son
hurry up Dg n Go
Leave hm, baby, ieave hm Don't iet Ciyde beat you Don't iet hm wn
wn, RJ, wn
what? what?
BiANCA: Go, go, go
(GRUNTiNG)
Don't gve up, son Don't gve up
BiANCA: Go, baby, go
Come on, baby Go
(GRoANs)
watch out
whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.
No... No, that's aii rght.
Ths s just a mess.
(GRUNTiNG) oh, yeah, sucker
oh, no heii, no heii, no
oh, no, you don't No, you don't
(CRowD ChEERiNG)
Yeah Yes Yeah
weicome to the top, wnner
oh Yeah
Gve t up, Ciyde. i stii got t.
Ths s gonna haunt your dreams for the next 20 years Yeah
Loser Caiie
Buit for comfort, not for speed.
hey, good save, sterod stan Good save, boy.
But you know what? Too bad ths an't a team competton.
You know why? 'Cause i'm the ieader
Yes Captan of the Team of me
Just me Just me, baby Just me
Yeah
Come here, son.
No, thanks.
Jamaai Jamaai
what n God's name s wrong wth you?
what? he chaiienged me, Daddy. so i stepped to the piate.
what was i supposed to do, back down?
hey, don't use that tone wth me show some damn respect
where's my respect, Daddy? Damn
You've never gven me credt for nothng i done
Credt for what? wnnng a chid's race? Buyng some fancy TV?
or that buiisht show of yours?
Yes Yes, Daddy Yes Gve me some credt show me some damn credt
Then i feei very sorry for you.
so, Ciyde gets off easy agan.
it wasn't just me out there, Daddy.
i know he iost hs father, but why dd i have to iose mne, too?
why, Daddy?
weii, now i see why you stayed away for nne years.
hey. hey, Roscoe. Look, man...
i never tred to take your piace.
i was just tryng to ft n.
'Cause even though we're cousns, you're my brother, man.
oh, now you're mr. innocent? piease
Don't faii for t, honey. he's just tryng to suck you n.
oh, iook, hefer, your narrow ass about to get sucked n
f somethng... hey, don't do ths. You got a case.
i wii cut you.
You got a case pendng.
RJ: You know what? we're gong.
i'm not afrad of her.
You need to be afrad of her. You don't watch Wild Kingdom?
You an't never seen a ion attack a gazeiie?
she about to smack the CoverGri off your face.
You better get up out of here.
'scoe. 'scoe. hey, iook, man...
BETTY: Let hm go. Let hm go.
Get off of me, Regge
Come on, baby.
BETTY: i can see your spne. Look at that snake
it was so good to see you, Jamaai.
Yeah.
Don't you forget to stay n touch
wth your grandma and grandpa, you hear?
i wii. Thanks, mama Jenkns.
weii, here's somethng for the road.
meatioaf, your favorte.
Thanks, mama.
oh, i just hate to see you go. But i understand.
Lord have mercy, i understand.
Just don't iet t be another nne years, okay?
promse? Yeah.
we iove you.
i iove you, too, mama.
(CAR sTARTiNG)
BiANCA: honey, don't be sad. i'm sorry thngs ddn't work out.
i promse we'ii fx ths together.
i hope so, baby.
we'ii come up wth a new pian.
Yeah, we have more tme to work on the speech.
we'ii fim the banquet n LA, hre actors. it'ii iook better.
hre actors? To piay my famiy?
honey...
we're gettng marred and formng a powerfui merger.
where does your famiy ft nto that?
i guess they don't.
Dad, are you serous?
Jamaai
haven't you reaized by now who your father's become?
it's aii about the Team of me.
Ths s Team stevens, and you need to get on board.
i'm a Jenkns.
RJ, piease taik to your son.
(siGhs)
she's rght, Jamaai. we gotta move forward, aii rght?
You thnk just because you bonded wth everybody
i'm gonna send you down here for summers and Chrstmases...
(sCoFFiNG)
so you can be nfiuenced by these peopie? But... But, Dad
No buts, Jamaai.
in fact, you know, iet's not even nvte them to the weddng.
(GAsps) oh, my God i'm so giad you sad that
i've been thnkng that ever snce i met Betty.
i don't biame you. Btch an't got no ciass.
You can say that agan.
(ChUCkLEs)
No ciass.
(sCoFFs) we can say that about a few peopie n your famiy.
Rght, baby?
Rght?
BiANCA: honey, you are so dong the rght thng.
And makng me so hot n the process.
oh, yeah? Yeah.
weii, prepare to cooi off, 'cause i'm done wth you.
You crazy-ass btch You know what? Thank you, Banca.
Thank you so much
for iettng me fnaiiy see you for the arrogant, sex-crazed,
pretentous, fake-ass ceiebrty wannabe that you are.
Thank you, Banca. Thank you.
(sCoFFs) oh, weii, you're so weicome, Roscoe
i knew t. You can't handie me.
You're not man enough. You don't have the baiis
kng kong don't have the baiis Bounce
You just sgned your career death certfcate.
our aiiance s offcaiiy over
And so are you. Come on, Fona.
Come on, Ff. Come to mommy.
(BARks)
it iooks ike your aiiance s over,
and you've been voted off the siand.
Banca, the trbe has spoken. Bounce
(FioNA BARkiNG)
(sCREAms iN FRUsTRATioN)
Dad, you're the man
i toid you who the boss was.
Let's go.
wat, my bags
i iove you, son. i iove you, too, Dad.
Let's go home.
(pEopLE AppLAUDiNG)
Mama said,
''Girl, it ain't right
''to throw hot grits on a man when you have a disagreement. ''
Sound advice. eal good advice, but did I listen?
No. old Betty had to do it her way.
And that was my second husband.
God knows I didn't mean to burn him.
But my third husband, Buck, baby...
Buck was good to me!
And any time you get somebody
that's good to you like that, you love 'em.
Bg biack Buck had the keiod hangng from the ear.
(EXCLAims iN DisGUsT)
Looked ike he had a ieather hearng ad. stop
Daddy, I know you didn't like Buck a lot,
but Buck was a good man when he got out of jail.
I'm gonna tell you something. He did everything he said he was gonna do.
And do you know, Buck was the only man,
the only man that could pick me up?
Baby, y'all don't know what it's like
for a man to scoop you up like that.
Betty. Betty... I'm trying to tell 'em!
Scoop you like... Betty.
Get off of me! I'm not finished. Betty.
y ou a hater! i an't no hater.
we oniy got fve hours to be here.
Shut up!
Thank you, Betty Thank you Yeah
And now for our next testimonial. It'll come from Clyde.
All right, how's everybody doing? Ain't God good?
Aii the tme.
It is a pleasure and a privilege to be here
for papa J and Mama J's 50th anniversary.
Lord, growing up in this Jenkins household was something else.
And papa J is a strong man. I mean, well, this the kind of person,
when he say he'll slap the black off you,
I mean the black really will come off.
I woke up light-skinned at least three times in my life.
(ALL ChUCkLiNG)
y eah, I got it all back.
You aii rght? You bareiy ate.
But you know, working in his hardware store...
i just wsh Roscoe were here.
Roscoe made hs choce.
You ddn't gve hm much of one.
what was i supposed to do? Be dsrespected n my own home?
Be hs father.
Gvng hm your name doesn't make hm you, Roscoe.
it doesn't make hm Betty or ots or even Ciyde.
he's Roscoe Junor. RJ.
And for a boy who ddn't feei the support of hs famiy,
he's dong qute weii for hmseif.
...sleeping in the bottom bunk bed,
you know, under J, and then
I was nervous 'cause he would pee in the bed.
And that would, you know, that would...
I would have some scary nights sometime.
y ou know, it's hard sleeping with a raincoat on, you know.
And, you know, and...
And I tried to explain to them that, you know,
that's oscoe the one that's peeing in the bed, not me.
And, he...
(SoBBING)
y ou know, just the way they took me in was so gracious.
They didn't have to do that. I thank you.
I thank y'all and...
Because I don't know where I would be right now if...
(CyING LouDLy)
Ngga, what s you cryng for?
Bg oid sugar Bear-iookng-ass boy. sttng up there cryng.
he's stii wearng the pajamas wth the feet n 'em.
Wow, I've never seen Clyde cry before.
Ain't nobody crying. I'm just cleansing.
No, those some real tears right there. I know.
I've cried more than a newborn baby getting his ass popped.
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
hey, guys.
J. I've been beat up... hey, Jamaai
...insulted, laughed at...
A lot.
(ALL LAUGhiNG)
Hey, you're laughing already.
I lost more games and competitions
to Clyde than I can remember.
oh, 3,459 and counting.
Thank you, Clyde.
I thought I was a loser.
So I went away
and transformed myself into what I thought was a winner.
But being around y'all is a 24/7
reality check.
y'all rough on a brother.
The clothes, the car, the Survivor...
y'all pull no punches.
You know that's rght
Betty, you got a hell of a right hand.
That's no joke. And o, you got a hell of a left hand.
That's right.
But look, I...
I want to thank you, all of you, my family.
Thank you for making me a better man.
For giving me strength to...
To withstand anything this world throws at me.
For unconditional love,
and a place to call home.
i'm not gonna do t. i'm not gonna cry.
Happy Anniversary, Mommy, Daddy. I love you.
i'm so proud of you.
i know. we aii need iove.
Yeah, come on, Ciyde. we gonna iet them
have ths moment, aii rght? i just want a hug, o.
i know, baby. Come over here and iet's...
son,
f i ever drove you away, f i ever made you feei unworthy,
i'm sorry. i iove you. Giad to have you back.
And those words you just sad, that's the best gft
i've ever receved, RJ stevens.
weii, t's from the heart, Daddy. And the name s Jenkns.
Roscoe steven Jenkns. Just ike my daddy.
ALL: Aw.
Regge, come here. what the heii s wrong wth you, ngga?
what the heii has gotten nto you? man, he needs heip.
Go get her, son.
(SAVING ALL My Lo VE Fo you pLAYiNG)
Lucnda? Yes?
i wated 20 years to create ths opportunty.
wouid you dance wth me?
i'd iove to.
Lucnda, i'm happy for you.
hey Betty, come on, iet's get out here and cut a rug, gri.
Negro, we're cousns. That's nasty
so desperate. That's a damn shame.
You gonna piay me for hm? he got on an ankie braceiet
Thank you.
(LAUGhiNG)
Dd you see the bedroom?
BETTY: Look at Roscoe tryng to be n iove.
i heard that.
pApA: Now, that's a good pcture.
oh, iook at that. Yeah, ths shouid be good.
There's sugar Bear Ciyde.
Look at that.
That iooks good, Regge. That's a biue bonnet, baby.
pow That boy crazy rght there, sn't he?
we do have one heii of a famiy.
we sure do, Daddy.
where are those two anyway?
oh, ma, you know where they are.
That's nce.
BoTh: Uh-uh.
(whimpERiNG)
ANNouNCE. Ladies and gentlemen, your host, oscoe Jenkins!
Aii rght. Thank you, thank you.
You aii iookng good. Lookng good. what's good, famiy?
Today's show s about famiy.
And what better way to kck t off than wth the doctor's own?
say heiio to the Jenkns cian.
hey, y'aii hey, everybody
ow pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pa-pump pump, pump, pump, pump
Betty. Betty. Yes!
BETTY: mnd your own busness, ots.
we'ii be rght back. we just tryng to have a good tme
here on 'scoe's show. You aiways gotta say somethng.
shut up. shut up. shut up.
Let's get started.
You're a doctor, so teii me ths.
why am i havng troubie reachng an orgasm?
so you've never been abie to?
BETTY: Now, i know how to get myseif to the destnaton,
i just need a captan to navgate the waters.
Now, 'scoe, you got to heip me here.
is that thng physcai or s that thng mentai?
or s t emotonai, 'scoe?
Lke, where do you go to fnd...
Can we cut? i'm... i'm uncomfortabie.
wat a mnute, 'scoe. i'm just tryng to fgure out
how i'm supposed to get mne, okay?
so you thnk t's okay to spank your kds.
Yeah, i spank my kds. i get n ther...
They...up, i start...them up.
Tag team.
oh, cuss words.
oh, gee, i'm sorry.
...that You know me, man.
husting s my job. i mean, i an't never reaiiy pad no rent.
You know what i'm sayng? i an't never reaiiy pad no biis.
You know what i'm sayng? so... But i...
For some reason, i've aiways got cash n my pocket
i guess t's 'cause i got a honest face.
i mean, i don't know,
you mght have a probiem wth that snce, when we was
ittie i wouid aiways beat you. You know what i'm sayng?
You puii out the cards, you one, two, three, you draw four, i'm ike...
Uno. You know what i'm sayng? You make a move, i'm C-4, C-2...
i sunk your battieshp. You remember that, don't you?
BETTY: And then he be fnshed. i'm ike, ''Damn
''is somethng wrong wth my... my cakes?''
You know what i'm sayng? i don't know f
somethng wrong wth my tastycakes, 'scoe.
You actuaiiy tase your kds?
heii, yeah, i tase my...kds.
You shock 'em, they be ike...
i say, ''You gonna take out that trash now?'' he just...
For not takng out the trash?
(imiTAiNG ELECTRoCUTioN)
45,000 voits rght through hs bg... ''Yes...Dad...''
Yeah.
(CELL phoNE RiNGiNG) hoid t, hoid up. who s ths? Yeah, what t s?
man, i'm on the show. You an't watchng? i'm on the show rght now
i an't gotta... No, i'm on the show. Look at me. Look.
we couid do t rght now, bro. You put your hands up...
or rock-paper-scssors.
we couid do t rght here. i mean, you know, what you scratchng for?
You know, you want to scratch? You want to have a scratch battie?
'Cause we can scratch out. we can... we couid DJ scratch...
i'ii make me a bubbie bath, ight me some ittie candies,
and then i gets down n that water, 'scoe, and i be...
i'm thnkng about t rght now. Let me get myseif together.
Cut Cut God forgve me.
Take the $150, go buy you a eght baii. Fip the eght baii,
you gonna make 300 off that. Take the 300, get you a quarter.
Take the quarter ounce, fip that. stay over at Aunt Lea's...
Lke f you... if there wasn't an audence out there,
i wouid race you up and down the audence steps.
we can go. You know we can go, too.
Take the haif ounce money, fip the haif ounce money.
Now you ready for a ounce. You got a quarter k now
Now everybody n the neghborhood
got on new sneakers and waike-taikes.
Everybody s workng for you,
you dong your thng and everythng.
i hope the feds an't watchng ths. i'ii caii you back.
i am. i am afrad, okay? i'm... i'm... i'm afrad of beng hurt,
and i don't want to be hurt.
You pursue unattanabie men.
what? You want men you can't have.
men i can't have?
Lsten here...okay? i can have any man i want, okay?
Don't get me twsted, 'scoe.
i am pretty n the face and thck around the wast.
You better ask somebody. i got sugar waiis
Ths rght here s sweet tea.
An't that rght, baby?
Yo, ma.
Yeah. i'm sayng, Doc, the booty s iimatc
weii, that wasn't qute what a brother had n mnd.
But that's the thng about famiy.
Unpredctabie, but entertanng.
And we iove 'em. peace.
(WE AE FAMILy pLAYiNG)